Lost And Found Book
This second book is about my twin – Elvis Low Kay Cheng & Louis Low Kay Seng (刘家证, 刘家诚).
Undeterred by the loss of my first baby and with the support of my hubby and family, I gathered my courage and underwent a repeated round of In-Vitro Fertilisation (IVF) and found myself pregnant once again, this time, with twins. Unfortunately, my happiness was short-lived. Faced with the imminent threat of Cervical Incompetence (CI), I opted to undergo a Cervical Cerclage to increase my odds of carrying my babies to term. Tragedy soon struck and I found myself stricken with grief once more.
Lost And Found is my personal story of an arduous journey to parenthood, my anguish at the heart-wrenching loss of my babies, and how I eventually found faith, peace and hope. The book includes experts’ contributions in the areas of chiropractic in pregnancy, coping with grief, and pre/post-pregnancy exercises, as well as real-life tales of other mothers who had been in a similar predicament.
Lost And Found is a comforting companion for women who are trying for a baby and mothers whose dream has been shattered and wondering how to find hope again…
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Here’s my roller coaster trying to conceive (TTC) story. So sorry, I do not really have time to write out properly, hence the point forms… Memories flowing back now…
My hubby and I got married in 2007. Both of us agreed that we will start trying for children right after marriage as we love kids very much. Unfortunately, after half year of trying naturally, I still didn’t get pregnant. So we went to seek help from a gynae near my place. It was a big mistake to go to him as he simply just blindly put me on clomids month after month without any scans or tests after each round. After 6 rounds with no desired results, i gave up on him and decided to consult another doc. That gynae wasted 8 mths of my life.
So upon friend’s recommendation, i went to see Dr Fong Yang. After hearing our case, he sent me for the HSG test and let me try one more round of clomid but still no results. So we decided to proceed with SO-IUI. With just one attempt of SO-IUI, i got pregnant with twins in jun 2009.
Then the darkest days of my life came. On 23 oct 2009 evening, I suddenly experienced regular painful cramps. I called Dr Fong and he asked me to go straight to hospital immediately. There, I was told that I was having contractions and I was put on ventolin drip. However, the drip did not help. The pain just kept coming back on and off.
On the fateful day 27 oct 2009, the pain got very very bad. The nurse did a vaginal check and informed me that I have dilated 2cm. At that point in time, my mind went blank and I broke down totally. About 5 hours later, I dilated to 10cm and I gave birth to my twin boys naturally. They were only 21 weeks. I was crushed. Even until this day, I still miss my twins very very badly. They will forever be my firstborn.
Dr Fong said that my miscarriage could be due to my weak womb. My womb was probably not able to carry the fast growing weight of my twins.
Then in feb 2010, I found out that I got pregnant naturally, with no medical intervention at all. From my first visit to Dr Fong after I know that I’m pregnant, he gave me mc to stop work totally and I began to bedrest throughout my whole pregnancy. I lived in fear for that 9 mths. That wasn’t a smooth pregnancy. I had frequent spotting in my 1st tri. And had contractions from 2nd tri onwards. Worse was I started dilating at 1cm at 27 weeks. Luckily with the monitoring of Dr Fong and my tcm physician, I managed to hold on till week 38. My first boy was born in oct 2010. He is now almost 3.
In apr 2012, we decided to go for SO-IUI again for a 2nd child. Tried natural for the previous 6 mths but to no avail. So to Dr Fong we went again. We failed this round of SO-IUI.
In may 2012, we tried again. This time, too many eggs got stimulated so I converted to IVF instead. I succeeded. I got pregnant with a pair of twins again. Knowing that I won’t be able to carry twins, Dr Fong discussed the option of doing a fetal reduction on one of my twins. I was torn at that point. Killing my own baby? But you know what. God has everything planned out for us. One of my twins just stop growing in the very early stage of my pregnancy. He/she sacrificed so that I do not have to make a cruel decision. For this pregnancy, I also took mc throughout and bedrest totally at home. I gave birth at week 37 in jan this year. Now my 2nd boy is 7 months.
Sorry that my story is written in bits and pieces, and is very brief.
So the conclusion is I am now very blessed with 2 boys.
Do stay positive. I can totally understand what you went thru.
If there is anything that I can help or advise, please let me know. I am most willing to share.
Hi Cynthia, i had a similar experience as u. I juz lost my twins at week 20 and still grieving over the lost. Possible to share your email address so that i can ask u some details?
I decided to read your blog before I reply to this email. It tore my heart when I saw the time line of your lost babies. My heart bleeds with yours. And another thing that you wrote struck a cord with me. You were questioning why you had everything ‘bad’ …
A little intro of myself.
I am currently mother to 2 boys, aged 3 and 1 (the baby is turning one soon). My pregnancy journey started in 2007. We started trying for a family a few months before our customary marriage in Feb 2008. We have already delayed our customary marriage due to the demise of my mother-in-law and I didn’t want to delay start a family as I knew the older I got, the more difficult that would be.
After 3 months of trying, I fell pregnant with Baby O. She was 7 weeks in utero when we held our customary wedding. Fortunately, I could still fit into my gown. I suffered only mild morning sickness, and a whole load of tiredness. I think i slept through the entire pregnancy. I was bleeding in the 1st trimester, but we still went ahead with our honeymoon as it was all booked and the doctor reassured us that it was safe. Everything went well. Like any eager 1st time parent, we bought the carseat, the stroller, heaps of girl clothes, pretty shoes etc. After the 1st trimester bleeding, everything was smooth sailing. We decided to take a trip to Australia at week 26+ or 27 (can’t really remember) before I am unable to fly anymore. I bought so many more beautiful things for Baby O on that trip.
When I returned, everything was fine. We even had a scan after we returned, as I was afraid the air travel would have an impact on the baby. But my rationale throughout the pregnancy is: A mother’s body is very protective. If anything were to happen, it would happen to the mother 1st before it happens to the baby. OH BOY! I COULDN’T BE MORE WRONG!
On the fateful day, life went on as usual. I was in a rush to get to work and was so busy at work that I didn’t notice anything unusual. The ironic thing is, around that junture, at the antenatal class, the nurse was emphasizing that the baby must move at least 10 x daily. I was so busy that I failed to notice. Maybe I was even complacent as I just had a check up and I am entering 3rd trimester. I even sms-ed my husband telling him how hungry I was during lunch. At dinner, my mother asked if the baby kicked today. And my heart sank! I did not recall any baby movement the entire day. I went on to finish my dinner and tried to agitate my tummy vigorously. After 1 hour and no movement, I knew what had probably happened. I knew the baby should move and would move if she was alive as I have demonstrated to my husband in amusement that when I move my tummy, the baby will kick.
I drove myself to KKH and went to the delivery suite. And when I failed to see a heartbeat on the monitor, my heart turned cold. I am a dentist, so I know what I should be seeing and hearing. The doctor put it straight across, “There is no heartbeat”. She might as well just say my baby died. She then called another doctor to verify and there was still no heartbeat. I rang my husband and my nightmare began from then. I cried like that was no tomorrow. By the time I arrived home, my parents were at my door. But nothing would console me. The baby I was hoping for so much just died. I hoped for a miracle throughout the night. But there was none. I cried the entire night. The next day, I saw my gynae and was induced. It took more than 24 hours to deliver Baby O. In labour, I cried even more. Whenever I hear cries of newborns and the sound of the suction going off in the other rooms, my heart broke. I would walk out of the hospital with no baby. I had to do confinement with no baby. How much sense did that make? I told myself to treat this as a miscarriage, as a miscarriage seems more acceptable than a stillbirth. At that point in time, it seemed logical. But a stillbirth is a stillbirth. A stillbirth is life changing. It changed my circle of friends, it changed the relationship I had with my husband, it changed me as a person. People, including my mother, told me I am still young and I can try again. To these people, I wanted to scream, “My baby just died!”. No one could provide me with the support I desperately needed… I remembered seeing a thread on the Singapore Motherhood Forum on stillbirth. So I joined and got a lot of support from there. I cried buckets. I cried silently everyday and until today, no day passes without me thinking of Baby O. The biopsy came out inconclusive. So until today, we don’t know why she died. I think at this point in my life, after going through so much, I have come to accept that whatever will be mine will be mine. Whatever will not be mine will never be mine. It’s just not fated.
My gynae from KKH told me, “I’ll put you on asprin for the next pregnancy and hope for the best” when I asked her what her management plan was for me. I ran as quick as I could and I finally found my current gynae. I do not want to hear hope for the best. I wanted my gynae to do whatever he or she could for me and if it still happens, then I accept fate. I went gynae hunting. I have been recommended my current gynae by a few friends and doctors. My choice of gynae has to be either fr NUH or KKH as I think these are the 2 hospitals best equipped to save my baby if anything happens during the birthing process. Time is of essence in saving a newborn.
I tried the very moment my period returned. I desperately wanted a child. A child to call my own. In the process of healing and not wanting to attend baby showers or kids’ birthday parties, we offended a few friends. But I have also made a few new friends in the forum who offered wonderful support. By 6 months of trying and still no success, I decided that I need IUI or IVF. The trying was so trying. In short, I went through 2 rounds of IUI and failed. After 9 months, I decided to enrol in postgraduate studies as that is something I have always wanted to do. I wanted to re-focus. 9 months may not be a long time to people, but 9 months of ups and downs, of hoping and being disappointed at not being pregnant is a long long time. And I fell pregnant naturally. We went through so much. I even got my husband to see a urologist as his semen analysis turned out so bad! The urologist gave him an equally bad report. and urged him to undergo surgery. But I told my husband that any surgery done on him is delicate surgery. I should be the one to remove my uterine septum first as I am the one carrying the baby. In this way, we slowly eliminate all the possibilities of why the pregnancy failed and why we failed to get pregnant. Just then, pregnancy no.2 happened. I was over-joyed! but weekly scans showed that the baby wasn’t growing well. So I ate…. and ate….. and ate…..(think: the very hungry caterpillar) in hope that the baby would grow. The baby did grow, but still not quickly enough. And by week 10, there was no more heartbeat. I took the news calmly, and without any tears. I stood up and told the sonographer that I will arrange to see my gynae for a D&C. I can totally accept a 1st trimester loss as I think that is natural selection. So I had a D&C and subsequently underwent surgery to remove my uterine septum. The 1st 3 days post op was horrible, but I soldiered on and even went back to my postgraduate studies.
I started trying again 3 months later and fell pregnant. I am skimping on some details e.g. how I ‘forced’ the relief doctor to remove my IUD earlier. If I go into details, I could probably produce a movie! Haha. Pregnancy number 3 was filled with anxiety. I bled throughout the 1st trimester. I went for bi-weekly jabs, in addition to seeing my gynae every week. I even bought a doppler so that I wouldn’t go mad wondering if my baby was still alive. The baby’s growth was slow. So I was put on bedrest the entire 3rd trimester. I successfully delivered my 1st born in 2010.
When he turned 1, I started trying and got pregnant on the 1st try. But things went wrong again! The yolk sac wasn’t growing. I had so many scans and blood tests. Waiting for the blood test result was a killers. the nurses were kind, as they knew my history and would always label my case as ‘urgent’. the HCG levels were raising, but only sub-optimally, not doubly. The doc wanted to wait and see, but I suggested termination as we had already waited 2 weeks and there was no progress. To me, the quicker I terminated the pregnancy, the quicker I could try again. I conceived again after 2 tries. And it was a boy again! I would be thankful for a healthy child that I can deliver successfully. I wasn’t the least concerned with gender. People would make all kind of remarks about having 2 boys. I would just ask them if they knew how much I have gone through. Firstly, I must get pregnant, which is already not an easy task. Then I must successfully make it through 1st trimester, then to 28 weeks, when I go into panic mode coz that was the time my baby died. For the 3rd pregnancy, I hardly slept coz I was afraid if I did, I would wake up and find my baby dead. And I couldn’t walk out of bed. I went to stay with my mother and fortunately the library was just opposite. Going to the library was like going to the shopping mall. It gave me great joy just to be able to get out of house. But still, I had to be accompanied. I read and read and read. I chose books related to pregnancy to motivate myself. I took baby steps. I would look forward to my check up weekly, that means I got thru’ 1/2 a week already. Then I would look foward to my jab at the end of the week. That means I have made it through 1 week.
I slept out of exhaustion. The moment I woke up, I would use the doppler to check on the baby. In a few instances, I couldn’t detect a heartbeat and rushed to the hospital. The moment my gynae told me I was dilated and ready to be induced, I was elated. I could have jumped up and down and done a victory dance, but I was too heavily pregnant to do that. She told us to go in the next day to be induced. We asked if we could do it at 12am. 12am = the next day! Haha. So we did! I went into the delivery suite at 12am to be induced.
This is my story in short (yeah, not very short afterall). I am now working only part time as I want to spend as much time as possible watching my boys grow up. I can hardly be angry with them as I see them as such blessings. This has likely made me a calmer mother.
Hi, Vrainy, thanks for contacting. I too had lost my twin if there is anything you want to check. Likewise, I will email you and cc Cynthia on a separate note.